Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
