You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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