upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
