a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
