I wanna bring you to show and tell
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
