If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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