I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
