her vagina looked like bernie madoff
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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