Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize