im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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