then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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