ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize