I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
