shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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