I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
