i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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