so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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