You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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