And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
