I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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