Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
