Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You ruined the universe
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