hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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