Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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