nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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