i need an iv and a liver transplant
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
