The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
