i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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