i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
