I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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