so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
