her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
