Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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