You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
