Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
When are your genitals available?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
