put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like a drive thru vagina
BRING THE BAGELS
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
