i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
