Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
