I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
