So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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