i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
