I wish I could punch you in the face.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
