Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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