YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
