apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
