haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize