i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
