I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize