i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
