I want you more than these girls want KFC
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
