I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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