I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
