People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
