Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
