my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize