Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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