Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Randomize
