dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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