I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
