My hair reeks of homosexuality.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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